The Wattpad Comments on Model Ricans Are Making Me Angsty

My head is cloudy. My body is sluggish. My mood is angsty as I receive both positive and constructive comments from readers on the Wattpad version of MODEL RICANs. Even though I want honesty, some of the comments are annoying me. Why are they annoying me? Cuz they are honest. It’s freaking hard to take honest feedback and then be honest with myself.

“So, while I think the writing at the sentence level is really excellent – vivid, full of voice, totally engaging – I am pretty thrown here by how you are handling time and narrative.”
– marksarvas

Aargh! Is it time to quit writing?

In numerology, 2023 is a one year for me. A one year means the beginning of a brand new cycle that will last for the next nine years. On this July day, I am officially feeling doubtful about my prospects as a writer/storyteller because of this huge hole in my story…which I knew was a risk, and this is not a final draft so why am I being such a baby about it?

After three decades of trying, I still haven’t written a story that satisfies readers. It is EXTREMELY difficult to “write that out loud.” If you’ve not seen how far back my archives go, I’ve been at this “trying to be a published writer/storyteller/filmmaker” journey for quite a few decades now.

Asking myself again, honestly: Is it time to quit?

Ha. Hilarious question for me. No such thing as “giving up” in my life, although, if I were to ask some of my friends and fam, they would say emphatically, and in unison: “YES, please quit! Stop trying to make Fetch happen!”

In the old days, I would have replied, “Shut up, haters.”

Nowadays I would say, “Hey, thanks for the honesty. Thanks for sparing me from myself.” Why? How did I get to this moment of truth? Well, over the course of the last nine years, I have failed repeatedly with my creative projects. The only success I had at the end of the cycle was love. Not down-playing it or anything because shit — I got married! That’s huge! And the love I found is worth more than this “trying to get published” dream. But I suppose I was able to get married because I started being more honest with myself. Hmmmm.

Maybe I just need to understand that only one goal per cycle is possible.

OK. Feeling less doubtful as I keep writing. Let’s continue down this path…If 2023 is a one-year for me, something new is happening and in order to be open to it, I should stop doing things I’m not good at and focus on what I am good at.

Let’s go backwards with numerology to see what was successful and what was not in the last 9-year cycle.

Starting in 2014, I was just graduating from film school. I wanted to take The Femmebots from a thesis project to an animated comedy series on Adult Swim. The road there was not straight:

2014 Brazil/Super Gringa animation: Successes = Finding actors/characters just by navigating the city on my own, learning enough Portuguese to function, asking a friend to create an animated version of Super Gringa. Failures = Buying new Black Magic camera and not understanding how to use it; not asking someone else who could figure it out; not fleshing out the script more before shooting; terrible time marketing and figuring out what the heck to do with it.
2015 DC/Hoopster Dreams live action series: Successes = Collaborating with two of my closest girlfriends, having fun shooting at Yogaville and DC rooftops and parks. Failures = Trying to get away with makeshift green screen studio, marketing.
2016 NY/Philanthropy News YouTube series – paid: Successes = Convincing an entire staff at a nonprofit in Times Square/NYC to read the news in front of an iPhone and turning it into a weekly YouTube series distributed to all the major foundations of New York. Failures = Quitting without giving notice because I was having a nervous breakdown from all the pressure.
2017 Discover animation software; create new Femmebots episodes; Kickstarter: $9,000: Successes = Convincing everyone I knew in New York that this project (not the philanthopy one) is what I’m really supposed to be doing. Failures = Trying to animate everything myself because the Kickstarter money would only pay for audio editing and voiceover actors.
2018 Femmebots pitch to Adult Swim; Build Kwest On Media: Successes = Reconnecting with friends from San Francisco. Failures = another nervous breakdown from all the pressure.
2019 Home. Successes = Reconnecting with family. Healing. Therapy. Mental break. Failures = My whole life’s work (haha)
2020 Grounding at home with new love, new family, writing Maria La Gata and forgetting about production. Success all around.
2021 Learning, evolving, pitching literary agents Maria La Gata. Successes = Response from prestigious literary agent for full manuscript. Failures: Writing was subpar and manuscript rejected.
2022 Getting married, learning how to balance creativity with heart and finances. Successes = wedding at beautiful Lake Lure. Taking UCLA writing classes, starting MODEL RICANS, connecting with a new cohort of writers in LA and Orlando. Failures = Literary Madrina says MODEL RICANS needs at least 8 more drafts before it’s ready for readers.

And now we are here, mid-2023, living in a house renovated by me and my super cool husband, working on a Wattpad multimedia novel called MODEL RICANS with my super cool husband’s illustrations helping the novel get noticed, especially in the Futurism category on Wattpad where my novel has been #1 for at least four weeks, and is now eligible for the 2023 Watty Awards, while waiting for Toni Kirkpatrick to finish a developmental edit of MARIA LA GATA.

Is it time to quit?

No way. I’m getting real feedback from readers and my UCLA prof on MODEL RICANS and a professional editor’s recommendations for MARIA LA GATA.

Even though the feedback hurts, it’s not child birth, sooo…

Since I didn’t go that route as a woman, I think I can stand this kind of pain. I am making progress. I am not hiding. I am writing on a public platform, and we all remember that pooping in public dream I had more than a year ago. Everyone else is pooping in public. Why can’t I? Yes. Homage to Cranberries.

It’s just time to take a break.

And this is what’s going to happen in August because it’s my birthday month and I am like most boss bitches who pay special attention to birthdays, not because I am a self-centered bitch and don’t care about other people, but because I am taking care of my health and mental well being. It’s weird how our culture judges “self-care” as “self-centered.” If you don’t take care of yourself, who’s gonna do it for you??? Not your husband, not your mama, not your kid, not your teacher, not your advisor, not your client, not your mentor, not your daddy, not a single god damn person can check your shit like you can.

After July 29, I am taking a month-long break from writing.

What will I be doing instead? Celebrating my 48th birthday, designing decks for my house with my husband, visiting friends, inviting friends to our house to hang out, billing more hours for Georgic Media, planning a trip to Puerto Rico next year.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
~James Baldwin

So I am facing the readers. I am facing the editors. And hey — I’ve already figured out how to fix the handling of time and narrative in MODEL RICANS.

Imma enter Model Ricans into the Watty Awards and see what happens.

Oh shit. I think I am swinging toward a positive attitude again. I started this blog post last week when my mood was dumpy and angsty, and now I am feeling hopeful. Yay.

Thanks to everyone in my network who gave feedback (both spoken and unspoken) all these years and to all the new folks I’ve met thru Tic!!!

My fam (too many to list, but obvi my parents, Lauri, Jimmy, Eileen, Jason, John Peña and my thousand other cuzins), Alejandra Fernandez, Jenise Collado, Angello Pizarro, Marie Marconnet, Melat Tesfaye, Erika Mayol, Sonia Herrero, Adrian Loving, Sarah Mattison, Justin Brennan, Jennifer Laudano, Maria Ibañez, Lavonne Luquis, Claudio Carneiro, Desiree Stennett, Sylvia Panek, Michael Kramer, Aimee Majourie, Cathy Bowen, Jess Bowen, Belle Bowen and all the rest of the Bowens!!

Special thanks to my writing coaches and teachers and collaborators: Marcela Landres, Mark Sarvas, Bridgette Ramirez, Sarah Nichols, Colette Sartor.