Dreamed last night about seeing old journalism colleagues in San Francisco. Mostly the guys I used to work with. They were complimenting me, saying things like, “Hey, ma, of course you won the most beautiful award from bla-bla-bla…”
I don’t remember what award I won in the dream, except for their Male Gaze.
Feeling totally embarrassed and incompetent, I tell them I’ll be right back, and beeline to the restroom because I really have to poop but no stalls are free, so I keep wandering and find another back door to more stalls that don’t have doors. There are girls doing all kinds of disgusting things like puking and pooping – in front of each other. Gross. So I go back to the main restroom area and keep trying to find a stall with a door where I can poop in private, but the only one not occupied just has a bidet and a urinal. Motherfucker! How will I flush poop down a bidet or urinal?
This dream is clearly NOT about pooping or public restrooms. And this isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream about pooping in public. The last time was in 2017, when I was still living in New York, contemplating leaving my sweet multimedia job in Times Square to build @TheFemmebots full-time. All the dream interpretation websites said things like “pooping in public means letting go of shame, and understanding that everyone is going through the same emotions of wanting to be their authentic unpaid selves” (my paraphrasing) in a world that needs them to fake it to keep the landlords paid (more of my own paraphrasing, but this was the general gist). Like “Slaves of New York.”
I did win that “runner-up” award from New California Media…in 2001.
But that was 21 years ago. WHO CARES?? LoL
For journalism.
These days, after attending film school, I’m back to writing fiction. Novels and screenplays, to be exact. @TheFemmebots was not the success I expected it to be after the Kickstarter and recruiting a pretty awesome team. Self-doubt creeps in. Maybe I was never really a good writer. Hmm. Is that true? I also won “runner-up” award from the Florida Sunshine State Awards in 2006 for my little “Devil’s Advocate” real estate column at the Biscayne Times in Miami.
So what? Who cares? Runner-up awards mean I am “almost good.” They mean, “Hey, good effort, but not as good as the winner who put in the REAL time, the REAL passion and the REAL dedication a project TRULY deserves to be AMAZING! First prize!”
Maybe I was acting like a Millennial with @TheFemmebots —
Was I expecting it to “be successful,” after only one year of producing it, promoting it and pitching it to producers in New York? Uh. Nope…not true. Since 2009, I’d been producing, promoting and pitching @TheFemmebots in all its evolutionary iterations: performance art show at Art Basel in Miami, music video and live action web series in DC, and animated comedy series in New York, San Francisco and LA. “Hi, I’m Gretchen Weiners, and I’m still trying to make Fetch happen….” Ug.
For 10 years, I’d been trying and “no one” was biting, so fuck all, time to quit and work on something different like THE NINE LIVES OF MARIA LA GATA, the story about my great-grandmother being a rum-runner in 1920s Puerto Rico. It was such a relief to work on something new, especially something that was historical instead of futuristic. It was teaching me about the history of Puerto Rico and Prohibition, while helping me understand my “generational trauma” (as all the people are talking about on social media these days, especially after “Encanto” came out). Plus, I was finally learning to value myself and not be ashamed for “breaking all the rules,” and stepping outside the expected path of a “typical Latina” who gets married and has kids. My great-grandmother was a scrappy rum-running entrepreneur, and apparently she’s the one I can credit with my scrappy entrepreneurial skills as a Latina techie in the 21st century.
Since that project also has not yet found “a home” (a literary agent who wants to publish it as a novel, or a producer who wants to sell it to a streaming platform), I’ve started working on the most personal project yet: “Model Ricans.” It’s a coming-of-age story based on my experiences growing up in Orlando, Florida, the newest, largest Puerto Rican diaspora on the mainland. Last month I submitted an excerpt from this novel to a fiction contest I found at The Association of Writers and Writing Programs.
I’ll find out in October if I won, but that doesn’t really matter.
I think the point of my public restroom dream is that I need to stop looking for a place to poop in private. Need to poop (code word for write) in public…in front of others, without shame, especially since 85% of it is ignored and un-seen by others who are focusing on their own poop. In my dream, all the girls who were openly puking and pooping in front of each other were not focused on each other. They were just doing their thing, and if someone wanted to stop and talk to them mid-poop or mid-puke, then hey — that’s cool. This is the “high fidelity bird call” my mentor Hazel Henderson told me back in the day, circa 2008, when I started managing her website Ethical Markets. There are only a few who will become card-carrying members of your flock.
I suppose another reason I had this dream last night, specifically, was because I attended a panel discussion yesterday hosted by the UCLA Writers Extension about entering scriptwriting contests like Big Break, The Academy Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriting and the Austin Film Festival.
“You have to share your work,” advised Barbara Morgan at Austin Film Festival.
“People who ‘make it’ usually have a group, and have an open mind to feedback. Learn who to listen to; who not to listen to. Learn how to approach people about your work.”
It seems like I’ve been doing just that for more than 30 years, whether it was the Denver Lighthouse Writers in 1997 or 2021; the writers who took my Biscayne Writers workshops in Miami 2005-2010; my classmates at American University Film school 2011-2014; my professors, my editors, friends who are producers in New York, Miami, Brazil; the UCLA Writers Studio this past February…As Mona Lisa Vita asked Vinny:
“So what’s the problem????????????”
I don’t know. So many people say “making it” is also about “luck.” But all the panelists said the winners of their contests didn’t just “make it” right then and there, just because they WON a freaking contest. If anything, they just took another step forward on their super zig-saggy (haha that was supposed to be zaggy but auto-correct) writing path, and had to work EVEN HARDER to get their projects into the hands of people who could produce them.
Example: Greta Heinemann, who won the grand prize for “Anatomy of a Breakdown” in 2018 from the Big Break scriptwriting contest. She is also Supervising Producer for Good Girls on Netflix. Is that what I actually want to be, too? Well…I suppose it is if I want @TheFemmebots or THE NINE LIVES OF MARIA LA GATA to get picked up. Right? Is that what my goal is? Hmm.
Right now, I have the opportunity to work on someone else’s project. Giving is an important aspect of a creative career. Can’t just be all about me, me, me all the time, especially if people are not offering to collaborate on my so-called AMAZING projects. Oh wait. I’m always working on other people’s projects with the hope they will be excited about working on mine. I’ve worked as an unpaid producer, prop person, marketer, video editor, animator, editor, actress…oh and writer. So….my issue is not a symptom of being self-centered. This is an issue of self-confidence. Remembering who I am. Knowing my bisabuela Maria La Gata wouldn’t have been sitting around wondering why other people aren’t giving her the validation and assistance she needs to succeed, what am I gonna do? For a few years, I’ve been obsessed with finding a literary agent. After receiving another rejection, a very delayed rejection, like literally six months after sending a query — I’m wondering if I need to think about this process like I did when I was looking for Tic. Follow my heart. Forget all the people who rejected my work and focus on those who resonate with it. And then I could just keep churning out hit after hit, ha ha. What a little dreamer I am. This blog post is about dreaming, after all.
Well, I’m tired of dreaming about pooping in public. Imma do it IRL.
My loglines:
- The Rum Running Empire of Maria La Gata: A single mother becomes a notorious rum runner in 1920s Puerto Rico.
- Model Ricans – this is the project I HAVE to write now, these next 3 weeks of Mercury Retrograde, because it is helping me get to the root of why I sabotage myself or why I think I deserve to FAIL. It deals with my core wound, my core trauma when I was 14 years old. When a writer HAS to write something, it’s to reveal truths, and one thing I discovered today, by writing Sky Bowman’s Character interview is that he saw Desiree as a powerful girl when she herself, didn’t believe that’s who she was because the context of New York was gone. She thought New York was what gave her power, when she carried the power inside of herself. Aw. That’s such a neatly wrapped up literary package. 🙂
- The misAdventures of Super Gringa: A manic pixie dream girl flies to Brazil during World Cup to re-purpose the stadiums into hula hooping hubs for young people.
- Tsunami Tsara Faces Another First World Problem: A whiney suburban girl must face her biggest fears and solve them in 30 minutes or fewer.
- Dr. Nutmeg’s Femmebots: A GenX mad scientist builds a fleet of female robots to brainwash men into doing her bidding.
- Le Clumsy Cook: A wanna be chef writes recipes that solve the worlds most pressing political issues.
- The Yogatards: Two girls addicted to yoga feel left out and outdated when they meet the Hoopsters.
- Tia Rosaura: A magical auntie shows up like a fairy godmother to reconnect her nieces to their hearts.
- Chakra Girl: A superhero who fights leaks and works toward a more energy efficient future.
- Assypants: A girl learns to lean into her bitchiest asset.